June 11th, 2012 (11:59 am)
I feel: peaceful
First off, to my two/three/four followers I apologise for not really commenting on your entries much at all as of late.
Unfortunately recent events have changed around my emotions and tolerances for certain things and a couple of stuff here and there are either slightly triggering or just things I'd rather not bring into my mind right now and the best way for me to not bring it into my mind is to not comment/get involved. I hope that doesn't make me a bad friend!! I love you guys to pieces I swear. (:
I haven't written in quite some time, have I?
Suppose I could start off with the main thing that's been happening in my life and that's the relationship I just came and left from. He was a close friend for five years and we dated for five months before I really began to realise how pointless our relationship was becoming. The thing that made it the hardest was that he's the first person in three years that I've actually been "in love" with for longer than just a week or two.
I never got to tell him all of the reasons why I finally snapped and decided to break up with him, but quite honestly I don't think he cared anyway so he wouldn't care to know the others. I'm still hurt that as much as he "tried to make things lighter and easier" by pretty much jumping the gun before I even got to the final point and says "It's fine, we can be friends no worries!". Like he could let me go just like that and things would be ok afterwards. It hurts more than people realise, when they don't fight even just a little bit to keep the relationship together; I suppose it's further proof that it was going all wrong.
Fighting like a lunatic to hold onto somebody can be just as annoying but now I actually know what it feels like from the other side. Doubtful that any of my past exes are reading this crap but if they ever did I'd tell them how damn sorry I am for not taking them seriously when they fought tooth and claw to hold onto me. I suppose I can't help but be in denial over it, since really... what's so special about me?
Dating somebody who only wants to sit at home all day and not do anything in life really is hard. I hate the term to Oblivion but "loser" is seriously the only term which describes half of the guys I've dated through my life. No goals for their future, no aspirations, no hopes or dreams. I mean like hell I know what I want to do for the rest of my life but at the very least I want to move out and live independently, start a family one day, and hopefully find myself a career which pursues my passions. They're simple and very open-minded but that's all they need to be. It's so hard going to see your boyfriend every second day and him not wanting to do anything outside of sitting at home and playing video games with his friends. Fuck I adore video games but there's still more to life.
Still can't help but be completely hurt by the night I broke up with him. I was distraught and I texted him that I really truly needed to talk to him about something important and all I got in reply was "Soon, finishing last mission". I know he puts friends over his gaming but where the hell did I stand? Anyone who has actually bothered to read my past (and long deleted) journal entries know for a fact that whether it be friend or boyfriend, I have priority issues.
Girlfriend being in the lower priority is fine and dandy for the first month or two but after five months, you'd think that she'd be somewhere up the top. For him it was Friends > Father > Gaming > Self > Me. I slowly realised it through the relationship but I always pushed it aside, thinking that it was all I was worth.
Intimacy was a bloody mission too. Just kissing him had to be initiated by me most of the time and anything further barely happened and if it did, it'd be a half-assed effort because he was "too tired". Being told during a cuddle at night that he "was too tired so you'll have to deal with it" really is a horrible thing no matter what perspective it comes from. It hurts and made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him to put effort in for. Only when he "felt like it" would I be worth his affection.
I can't help but feel angry towards him. Resent him for all the silent things he's put me through even if it wasn't intentional. Breaking up with him was probably the best thing I could have done. I was upset like an idiot for only a few days and ever since I've felt happier now than in the five months I was dating him. My depression is actually getting a lot better because I'm no longer in a relationship and I think I want to stay that way for a while. I've been able to focus more on my friends and family and even myself and it's been fucking fantastic. I've been sick for a whole week and even that hasn't made me depressed one bit; it's been great. Only thing that's making me a little down is that horrible movie I watched lastnight (The Lovely Bones, Peter Jackson you twisted fuck) and just typing this and remembering all of the stuff I hated about the relationship but hey! It'll pass and it'll pass fast.
TL;DR? Five months of a relationship and pretty much nothing else has gone on with my life. We're going to sell up the house which is probably the only real stress right now because my parents are driving me up the fucking wall with their complaining. We're hoping to move away from New Plymouth which sounds like a goddamn dream. Only reason I was staying here was for my few close friends and my now-ex and I love my friends very much but there needs to be more reason for me to stay otherwise I'm hittin' the road and exploring somewhere exciting.
Also Skyrim. Oh my fucking god. I cannot stop playing woweeeeeee.
//ollies into the sun
//tiredly because she was up 'till 5am playing lastnight